One of my daughters struggles with negative thoughts.  We call her The Wallower, because she tends to wallow in self-pity.  In her defense, the loss of her mother triggered it. Then it got reinforced with attention from family, friends, teachers, etc. Everyone coddled her when she showed sadness.  It’s not like a 6 year old knows she is doing it, she just does what comes natural.  The adults, especially me, should have realized what was happening and taken note.

After seven years, and many counseling dollars, she still tends toward dark thoughts. It still comes natural, and it came out again in an essay that she wrote.  She asked me to proof read. It was a good essay. She instinctively tried to end with a positive thought, and I was proud of that.  After I reflected upon it, I decided to leave her the following note:

This comment has nothing to do with the overall story, which is creative & fine.

This comment is about you, daughter. Do you see yourself doing the wallowing thing? I really worry that dark thoughts have become second-nature. You always let yourself drift toward sad, sullen thoughts. Practice noticing this part of yourself. Practice catching it, and making an attempt to replace the thoughts with the brighter side. I think you did that at the end of this story. That is good progress, but keep pushing yourself. This is what the chain of events will look like over months/years as you PRACTICE a different approach. Practice, just like you practice volleyball … knowing that you won’t always get it right, so you keep trying, and trying, and trying.

“I am writing/thinking dark things”
“I am writing/thinking dark things”
“I am writing/thinking dark things”
“I am writing/thinking dark things; let me end with happy”
“I am writing/thinking dark things; let me end with happy”
“I am writing/thinking dark things”
“oops, I slid back a bit”
“I am writing/thinking dark things; let me end with happy”
“I am going to write about something happy… darn-it, I wrote sad again”
“I am writing/thinking dark things; let me end with happy”
“I am going to write about something happy… yay I did it”
“I am going to write about something happy… yay I did it”
“I am writing/thinking dark things”
“oops, I slid back a bit”
“I am going to write about something happy… yay I did it”
“I am writing/thinking dark things; let me end with happy”
“oops, I slid back a bit”
“I am going to write about something happy… yay I did it”
“I am happy … let me write about it”
“I am happy.

There is nothing easy about changing one’s thoughts, habits, etc. It takes time, perseverance, and a practice mentality.  Practicing change means letting yourself fail.  Practice means not letting failures ruin your whole world, or your day.  It is just practice, not game day.